Monday, September 22, 2008

Things That Suck Worse

I know loads of money has been spent trying to convince people to go in to get colonoscopies to screen for colon cancer, with clever slogans that boil down to "Colonoscopy: Sucks Less Than Colon Cancer!" I wouldn't know, never having had colon cancer (and until tomorrow afternoon, never having had a colonoscopy either). But I can think of a few things that suck more than this nasty colonoscopy prep. Here's my non-comprehensive list of things that suck more than a colonoscopy:
  • Giving birth. Hurts like hell. And they don't allow you to eat, which makes it kind of like colonoscopy prep, except that after a while you don't want to eat anyway because you're focusing on what feels like taking the world's biggest crap while screaming at the top of your lungs.
  • Discovering you are being audited by the IRS and/or investigated by DCFS. Just like a colonoscopy, they're gonna stick you with an anal probe, only unlike a colonoscopy you're not going to be sedated when they do it.
  • Sorry, I had to run to the bathroom. Back now.
  • Prison rape. Hey, it could happen to you! (See "audited by the IRS" above.)
  • Accidentally taking a severe overdose of laxatives while on a juice fast. Oh wait, that's the same as colonoscopy prep...
  • Sorry, I had to run the the bathroom. Back now.
Seriously, they need to include some REAL instructions with that colonoscopy prep handout. Something like, "You're about to take a far larger than recommended mega-dose of laxatives. When we say you 'may feel some urgency' what we really mean is 'get yourself a crown because you're gonna be sitting on the throne all night long peeing out the wrong hole'." Also it would be helpful for them to have included something like "You'll be taking this dose of laxatives around dinner time. MAKE SURE DINNER HAS ALREADY BEEN COOKED AND SERVED TO YOUR FAMILY BEFORE YOU TAKE IT!!!!"