Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Toaster Warnings

Here are some actual warnings from a toaster I bought recently, along with my comments.

Do not operate while unattended.
JEEVES! Dangit, where is that butler? JEEEEEEEVES, get over here! I want to make some toast!
Do not cook, warm, or toast rice cakes, fried foods, or non-bread items.
So... I guess warming my mittens in the toaster is out? Unless, of course, my mittens are made of bread. Mmmm... bread mittens...
Do not cover toaster or use near curtains, drapes, walls, or under cabinets.
Because it's so inconvenient to get the toast out when the toaster is still in the cabinet.
Close supervision is necessary when used by or near children.
Toasters do have a tendency to reach out and bite children with their hot, hot teeth, so it is imperative that the toaster be supervised. The kid? Eh, he'll be all right with those scissors...
Always unplug toaster when not in use.
Caution: unplugging toaster while in use may cause your toast to not finish being toasted.
Failure to follow these instructions can result in death or fire.
Note: death or fire may result from various life activities anyway, even if you do follow these instructions. Please don't sue us if you die or are burned without using the toaster at all.