Weekly Gripe: Bras For The Busty

Women with small busts complain endlessly about how they'd love to have bigger bazooms, but they don't know how good they have it. They can walk into any store and pick out any bra on the rack, and the store will have their size in stock. Busty women, however, have it much, much tougher. The cutest bras rarely come in cup sizes larger than C, and those that do come in larger sizes are of one of three styles:

• Patented UniBoob^TM Technology. These are also known as "minimizers" because they promise to make your bust fit into a normal sized shirt. They accomplish this by squishing your boobs together until they fill the gap between them, causing you to look like you have have one very large breast.
• TitaniumTits brand Victory Bra. These holdovers from the 1940's look and feel like you're wearing a pair of missile nosecones. You get uplift and separation, which is nice, but you have to watch where you turn lest you poke people's eyes out.
• Porn Star Special. These look cute and sexy in the catalog on women who have surgically attached cantaloupes, but are meant to be worn for no more than five minutes at a time. They fit, but provide no support whatsoever for those of us who, ahem, lack internal support.

Why, in the good ol' U. S. of A., home of capitalism and famous for American ingenuity, can't anyone seem to make a bra for the busty that is affordable and cute and provides uplift, separation, and style? And why can't these be carried in normal stores?