Closed, But Still Not Over

We closed on our loan yesterday. It was the most horrific experience of my life-- and it still isn't over. Silly me, I thought that there was some sort of meaning to the word "close"-- like I was supposed to get some closure or something, or that at least the deal would be done.

First, one of the conditions on our funding is that the people renting our old house have to sign a lease and give us a deposit check. Well, they forgot to bring their checkbook to the lease signing a week ago, and they still haven't given us the check even though I've talked to them and tried to impress upon them the necessity of getting this check to us in a timely manner. They were supposed to get it to us last Monday, but they misunderstood and thought we meant next Monday when they move in. We clarified this misunderstanding on Wednesday when they finally returned my calls. At least, I thought it had been clarified. It is now Friday and we still have no check.

Second, the sellers' realtor had called our realtor and arranged that if we did our best to fund and record on Friday, she would give us the keys to the house on Saturday at noon. We said that was fine with us, as that was when we had hoped to take possession of the house anyway. Now that realtor is saying that if the transaction doesn't fund and record on Friday, she won't give us the keys on Saturday, even though most realtors will be easy about that sort of thing when it happens over a weekend. We were only half kidding when we asked our realtor how much we'd have to bribe her to get her to go back to her original request. We are coming to Tooele with a truck full of boxes on Saturday at noon, based on what that realtor requested. If she's not there to give us the keys, we are going to unload all our boxes into the backyard and live in our tent until she gives us the goddamn keys to the house we have already closed on.

Third, as we were signing the papers, we noticed that the papers the mortgage company sent over all gave Monday as the funding date. This was subsequently discovered to be because this mortgage company has a policy of sitting on their paperwork for one business day before they will fund a mortgage. Since the earliest they can get the papers is Friday morning (and that only because we drove the packet of papers over to the airport FedEx drop ourselves when closing was done), they won't fund the mortgage until Monday. This is at odds with what they had told our loan officer, which was why she seemed to think we could fund and record on Friday and get our keys on Saturday.

Bottom line, we are loading the truck tonight, and we are driving out tomorrow, and everybody involved knew this was the plan, but now WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE IN WHEN WE GET THERE. Unless, of course, we find a way to slip that realtor a cool hundred. I assume a hundred dollars is the correct bribe for a realtor. If I am mistaken, please correct me in the comments.