Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Preteen Eye-Roll Of DOOOOOM!!!!

There must be some kind of evolutionary hard-wiring that makes preteen girls masters of the Eye-Roll Of DOOOOOOM!!!!! For those who are not parents of preteen girls, this is the inevitable gesture that accompanies any parental request to do chores, any embarrassing parental public behavior, or generally anything not in keeping with the sensibilities of a preteen girl. It is often accompanied by the small, sharp sigh which is its auditory equivalent.

If you are confronted by a Preteen Eye-Roll Of DOOOOOOM, here's what to do:
  1. Don't Panic. The eyes won't really roll out of her head. They just look like they might.
  2. Continue To Insist On The Chore Being Done. Stand your ground, the eyeballs are not weighty enough to hurt when they roll you over.
  3. Mimic The Gesture. Roll your own eyes and emit a sharp sigh. This shows your preteen girl that you understand where she's coming from. Note: in some girls this can cause a cascade of eye-rolling as they become exasperated with your mocking. If this happens, continue to mimic the gesture with ever more pubescent drama until your preteen girl busts out laughing.
  4. Copy That Girl From 7th Grade Who Yelled At You For Rolling Your Eyes. Use a snappy line like "You roll 'em, I bowl 'em! You rock 'em, I sock 'em!" (Funny thing is, I have no idea what I did that set her off. I think I looked at her friend funny, but I don't recall rolling my eyes.)
  5. Write Blog Posts About Your Experience. Especially if your preteen reads your blog. If your preteen rolls her eyes at this, be sure to tell her to quit reading your blog if she can't take a little poke in fun. (Hi Princess!)
Don't forget, the time to do something about the Preteen Eye-Roll Of DOOOOOOM is now. If you let it stand, it will eventually evolve into the Teen Eye-Roll Of DOOOOOOM, which is much like it only more permanent.