Monday, March 27, 2006

Adventures in Metalworking

or, How To Fix A Broken Crib With One Baby On Your Back And The Other On Your Breast
or, Why I Want A Bench Vise For My Birthday

Materials needed:
1/2" wood boring drill bit
1/4" just plain boring drill bit
1/4" metal rod
2 1/4" nuts
diapers to fit both babies

Tools needed:
rusty hacksaw
vise grips
nail clipper
computer with internet access
die set
socket wrench

1. With wood boring bit, drill holes partially through the horizontal bottom and top pieces of the crib.
2. With 1/4" bit, drill the holes from step 1 the rest of the way through the pieces.
3. Stop and change two diapers.
4. With yardstick, measure the distance between the two horizontal pieces. With rusty hacksaw, cut a piece of 1/4" metal rod to this measurement.
5. With nail clipper, cut off broken nail.
6. Stop and nurse baby.
7. Try to thread the ends of the metal rod with the tap wrench.
8. Look up on internet how to use a tap and die, and what the difference is between them.
9. Stop and change diapers.
10. With die set, thread the ends of metal rod. Use vise grips to tear up the metal rod hold the rod still.
11. Look all over house for missing Home Depot bag with nuts inside it.
12. Fail to find bag; go back to Home Depot to get 8 cents worth of nuts.
13. Find bag on return home; decide it isn't worth spending the gas money to go back to Home Depot and return 8 cents worth of nuts.
14. Screw nuts on each end of rod.
15. Cut off remaining broken nails.