Weekly Gripe: Hair Highlights

This week's gripe is about people who dye their hair with absurdly streaky "highlights". Being of a somewhat libertarian bent, and figuring that hair color serves little societal purpose, I lean toward letting people do pretty much whatever they want with their hair. However, this doesn't stop me from having an opinion on whatever dumb thing they are doing lately.

It used to be that the purpose of dyeing "highlights" in your hair was so that you would look like you'd been out in the sun a lot, because hair that has been out in the sun a lot is unevenly colored and lighter on the top. It added interest and visual texture to the hair, and it tricked people into thinking that you made frequent visits to the beach, at least until they got wise to the fact that everybody was tricking them by dyeing highlights in their hair. However, today's "highlights" make you look more like you've been out of the sun so long that you don't realize that people's hair doesn't come in stripes. Today's "highlights" are half-inch-wide streaks of impossibly blond hair on what looks like an artificially darkened background, and they make you look like you took your hair inspiration from a visit to the zoo. Fifteen years ago, if you had highlights that streaky, everyone would ask you where you got your hair done so that they could be sure to avoid that place when they went to get their highlights.

Why do they do this? Are they trying to trick us into thinking that they are escaped zebras? Because if they are, it's not working. Not eating grass is a dead giveaway.

Not looking like animals is what differentiates us from animals. That, and being capable of rational thought. So why would anyone who didn't look like an animal and was capable of rational thought dye zebra streaks in their hair on purpose? It is because they think it makes them look cool. But if you ask me, a better way to make your hair look cool would be to wet it, wrap it around ice cubes, and stick it in the freezer door for a while. It will take just as long as getting your hair dyed, and although it will not last quite as long, at least you will be really cool while it lasts. Plus you won't have to deal with the problem of what happens when your stripes grow out.