Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Nothing So Un-American

There is nothing so un-American as so-called "American cheese." Like most Americans, it comes in individualistically-wrapped slices, melts easily, and is reputed to contain some amount of milk. But if you look closely at the label, it's not really cheese! It's "pasteurized processed cheese food." It's so far removed from cheese that they can't even call it cheese, they have to call it "cheese food"-- that's what they feed to cheeses! It's not fit for human consumption! And as for its milk content, shouldn't cheese be entirely made out of milk?

This, folks, is not the American way. Americans are genuine people and demand genuine real people food! Americans believe in Fruit, Mustard, and the Dairy Queen Way! How, in all honesty, can we grind up a genuine Texas steer, grill it on a USA-made Camp Chef grill, put it in a bun from our local bakery, and have the gall to top this most American creation with this monstrosity masquerading as cheese?

Next time you are at the market and you are waffling over whether to get those evil, cheap Kraft Singles or the more expensive but wholesome Wisconsin Cheddar sitting next to it, just remember: only one of those is really cheese. And in America, when we have a choice between one real candidate and one that we know is trying to pass himself off as something he's not, we know what to do.