I Am Spartacus

There's a rumor going around that Bill Clinton and James Carville are going to dig up some dirt on the Tea Party leadership to try to discredit them. They wave aside the obvious difficulty that there isn't a single leader or cabal in charge of an actual grassroots movement. So now there's this site where everyone is standing up and declaring themselves the Tea Party leader, just like with Spartacus.

I don't have video capabilities so I can't contribute my own video clip to the site. But I will declare myself the Tea Party leader (my official title is "Tea Party Empress," thank you very much, please use it in all your press releases!) and because I'm just that kind of gal, I'll make things easier for Bill and Jim by telling them where to look for the dirt they want on me. I cheated on a test in 8th grade, and I yelled at a bunch of people on a production of "Pippin" that I was costuming my freshman year in college. I think I flipped somebody off while driving on SR-36 about a year ago, but in my defense I'll say that after I accidentally cut him off while he was driving in my van's blind spot, he made a point of cutting me off repeatedly for a few miles; and I made sure my kids couldn't see my hand, which means the idiot probably couldn't either. I was delinquent on my student loans a few times, and one time a problem at the bank made my mortgage retroactively late for a few months. I made a couple hundred dollars doing private tutoring, but I don't think I declared it on my taxes that year. For Christmas last year I gave my nieces and nephews crochet hats that hadn't been tested for lead by a third party laboratory and didn't bear the required CPSIA tracking labels. And I once slapped FH for no particularly good reason, though he still married me not too long thereafter. Oh, and I tore the tag off the mattress AND took the label off the new toilet bowl.

Do your worst, Bill and Jim! I am Spartacus!